I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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