What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
