They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
