Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.