They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We left the knife in your bed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.