There was a lot of him and a little penis
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?