my phone needs a breathalizer
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
