last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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