Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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