Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
