if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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