so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
