I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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