Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
