On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
