I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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