His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
