Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
