i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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