Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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