bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my being single is dangerous.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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