Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
