recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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