There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
