Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
