did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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