He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
