Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I want to fling myself into the sun
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
