Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
