People in love make me want to vomit
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
