I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
