Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
