It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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