Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
