i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
