i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
