I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
