someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
