Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
