This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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