90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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