even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
