I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
