I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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