she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
