Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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