i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
