dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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