I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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