my phone needs a breathalizer
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
