I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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