She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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