A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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