please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
