that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
