just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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